How Do You Like It? More, More, Morecambe

Some classic seventies disco to apologise for this time around in the shape of the Andrea True Connection.

Back to action after what seems like an eternity. Last time out was the away defeat to Peterborough United in the Bristol Street Motors Trophy eleven days ago. Our last game in the league was three weeks ago in the disappointing home loss to Salford City. In between our game away at AFC Wimbledon was postponed due to a frozen pitch, and the one away at Wrexham was postponed as they were getting thrashed in the FA Cup fourth round.

So, that should have given us plenty of time to get some work done in the transfer market. And so, we waited. We saw some loanees get recalled by their parent clubs, and we waited. And waited a little bit longer just for good measure. And then as if by magic, an hour before the transfer window closed there was some action.

First up was American attacking midfielder (subject to work permit) Jeremy Kelly who has been employed, if not necessarily playing a great deal, in the MLS for the last seven years. And what’s the first thing that pops into my head when I see his name? Game For A Laugh. I hadn’t ever thought of that TV show for nearly thirty years and then. Pow. Just like that it appears as my mess of a brain automatically mashes up presenter names to arrive at Jeremy Kelly. Then I remembered there were two hosts with the surname Kelly on the show, so it could well be much like our midfield will be soon.

Then, announced after the window closed, we have signed Mustapha Olagunju on loan from Huddersfield Town for the rest of the season. He is a central defender who has played even less than Jeremy Kelly and who had been on loan at Ebbsfleet United until this week. His name flagged idiot neurons in my brain as well. I must have a word with myself.

There was also an attempt for a third player, Donovan Wilson, a (some would say) much needed additional striker, to come in on loan from Grimsby Town, but that last minute deal fell through as Grimsby failed in their own last-minute bid to get a striker in from elsewhere themselves.

Anyway, today’s opponents are Morecambe, the only team we haven’t played in the league so far this season. The away game back in October was postponed due to their international call-ups and has only recently been rearranged to play on March the fifth. What would have been a weekend away visiting my mum in Morecambe and five-minute walk to the ground is now likely to be a game I won’t be at.

We go into the game having only dropped a place in the league to twelfth since we last played despite other teams playing one, two, or three times in between times. But we are now five points off the play-off places, albeit with a game in hand against all teams above us in the league apart from Wrexham. Morecambe are two points and three places behind us in the league in fifteenth.

The postponed AFC Wimbledon game was rearranged for the twentieth of February, and I’ve booked Helan and I onto the fan coach to the game, so I will get there, get a programme, and see myself in print.

As with a lot of home games, it was straight to the ground from writing group, to get there, pay for the coach, and get in nice and early through bag check, ticket scan, second ticket check, and past the newish steward who always wants to have a conversation with everyone, before getting to the usual spot in the east marquee.

As I was stood waiting for the turnstiles to open, I really noticed the smell of fresh, hot doughnuts. More than I had on previous occasions. Probably because they will now rank quite high on a list of foods which I shouldn’t be touching with a bargepole. Walking alongside the east marquee I can see there are only two people in the stand before me. Typically, they are in the two seats next to where I sit.

The team lineup shows rare starts for Harry Forster and Klaidi Lolos, and new signing Mustapha Olagunju is on the bench, and we have a proper keeper on the bench as well. Morecambe are in white shirts with black sleeves, black shorts, and white socks.

It takes a few minutes for the game to settle down, but then we work a chance from a free kick, but Harry Forster’s volley is wide. We have lots of possession but Morecambe pressing deep and quickly and break and force a good save from Corey Addai.

On seventeen minutes we win a ball back from a Morecambe throw, Klaidi Lolos chests it down and plays it across. Adam Campbell keeps it moving on to Forster who takes it into the area, and his shot goes into the bottom corner and it’s 1-0.

Morecambe play a ball through, and their number 9 is in one on one with the keeper, but Addai saves well again. Up the other end a Forster shot is just wide. And then some decent work from Nick Tsaroulla sees him get a cross in and the header from Danilo Orsi is on target, but easily saved. Tsaroulla drifts across to the left, picks the ball up, dribbles past a couple of players into the box, but his shot is just wide.

And just like that it’s 1-1, a long cross goes all the way across the box and is played back in and their number 9 just flicks it past Addai and a defender for the equaliser.

Back on the attack and Orsi is nudged in the back and goes down in the box but as usual where Orsi is concerned, nothing is given. Two added minutes are shown and there are half chances at either end before the half time whistle goes.

It doesn’t take long for Morecambe to have the first chance of the second half, and it requires another good save from Addai. There is a little spat between Dion Conroy and their number 9, who gets nose to nose with Conroy and pushes him, both hands in the chest, but there is no card given.

We get a bit of pressure and Lolos gets contact on a ball, but it is blocked in the box and just won’t fall for a Crawley player. At the other end Morecambe get a free kick which is played into the area and back across like for their goal, and the ball is bundled in, but fortunately the flag goes up for offside and the scores stay level.

There is more great work from Lolos in the attacking third, and Morecambe are having a hell of a time trying to get the ball off him, and the resulting Campbell shot is blocked for a throw. The game is going back and forth now. Morecambe get a dubious free kick on the edge of the area and the shot goes over the bar. Campbell has another shot blocked for us. Morecambe get a corner and a shot goes wide, and then it’s back up the other end and another Campbell shot is saved and goes out for a corner, and another corner.

The game descended into a lot of stop and start, mainly because Crawley players were down on the ground. One was an obvious challenge straight through the back of Kellen Gordon, which may have won the ball but was a dangerous off the ground challenge with nothing given. Gordon again, then Will Wright and Tsaroulla were felled in off the ball challenges with nothing ‘seen’ or given. Liam Kelly is felled on our next attack on the edge of the Morecambe box, the ball had gone to Campbell who was pushed off it with nothing given. Morecambe break, there is a foul, the ref blows up and books the Crawley player. The shot that followed went over.

We are attacking more, but that final ball isn’t quite there, and it is frustrating. A long clearance from Morecambe is brought down by their number 9, who looks a few yards offside, and he controls, runs to the box, drifts through Conroy’s attempted challenge and curls it past Addai into the corner to make it 1-2.

Gordon is felled again on the right wing, but the free kick comes to nothing. We have the ball ready to attack again but the ref brings play to a halt. There is a red smoke flare on the pitch. For once though, it has been thrown on by the Morecambe fans. None of the stewards want anything to do with it and eventually Addai trots over, picks it up and throws it off the pitch.

There are five minutes added time announced as that is happening. And the Morecambe number 19 who came on just before the board went up seems to have come on with the sole purpose of running around and blatantly kicking as many Crawley players as possible. His fifth connection gets him a booking.

The final whistle goes, and it is a 1-2 loss. Very frustrating as we resorted to trying to walk the ball into the net, and we really get no protection from referees. As in so many games this season, the opposition have the game plan to kick and manhandle us at every opportunity, safe in the knowledge they are unlikely to get pulled up for it. Yet if we look funny at one of their players the yellows come out.

Leaving the ground was amusing. The away fans’ minibus was getting ready to go and was being escorted by a plethora of stewards. There were more stewards surrounding the minibus than there were people on it.

It is a loss which sees us slip two places to fourteenth in the league and puts a bit of a dampener on the post-match curry. We are away at high flying Crewe Alexandra next Saturday, a tricky one at best, but we need some away points to make up for our sudden poor home form.

Come on you reds.

We’re All Going On A Christmas Holiday

It’s a good day, our leave has started, we are now on holiday until the new year, eighteen non work days. A lottery win to extend that would be great.

Friday morning, we were off to Brighton for Helen’s full Nuffield Health health check that she had paid for a couple of years ago, via Hayward’s Heath. It was bright sunshine all the way, by the time her assessment was up the fog had started to roll in, and by the end of it we were unable to see the sea.

There was a midpoint as it got cloudy, I was left alone with my brain, with a view out to sea, and wrote this poem whilst I waited.

https://onetruekev.medium.com/waiting-461c8a6b15a1?sk=b866233ce7f65df444679252d6adf6bc

After which we were meeting Liam and Ellie for lunch at The Westbourne, near their house, which meant we had to find somewhere to park. The full rant on this can be found below

Lunch was good though.

Everywhere you (stop) look and listen there is something saying, or someone shouting, ‘get your booster.’ And to be fair the NHS texted me to say there was a walk-in clinic available at the Apple Tree centre on Friday until 1pm. Unfortunately, this text to tell me this was sent at 1.38pm on Friday. I’m currently trying to find a DeLorean that will go at 88mph to get me there in time.

The fog carried on hanging around after that. By the time we’d driven up to London on Saturday afternoon. It was what might have been called a pea souper in the past.

The Saturday night was the Madness and Squeeze gig, there was lots of other app related precursor, the full tale of which is below

We had taken the decision to miss Crawley Town’s home game on Saturday so we would be able to make it up to London for the gig without a mad rush. Only for the Crawley game to be postponed for Covid reasons, so we may be able to see the game (always assuming the muppets in charge in this country don’t lock down venues again due to Omicron).

You see things get stolen or “borrowed” from hotels all the time. But I’d have bet good money on the combination missing from our room never being guessed by anyone. The little holder for toilet rolls – the bit that clips on at either end and spins round – that was gone. The metal bracket it would clip on to was still there, screwed to the wall. And the little glass shelf above the towels. The one they usually put the plastic glasses on in the bathroom. Shelf gone. The two wall mounts with the slots in for the glass to slot into – still there.

It probably says more about the location of the Holiday Inn Express than anything else, but the security was the best of any IHG hotel we’d stayed at. The main door required room key card use to get in when we got back from the gig, and when I nipped across to the shop for drinks after breakfast. It was also needed to use the lift and the stairs. Yes, it’s obvious and simple, but they could do with it at more of their hotels.

On the drive up to Morecambe on the Sunday morning there was very little let up on the fog. M11 – fog. M25 – fog. M1 – fog. M6 – fog. Morecambe – fog. Some fairly light, other patches were thick, some so thick if you had asked me where I was, I could tell you I hadn’t got the foggiest. Yes, I did try catching the fog – I missed (mist). One of the worst places was at the M6 toll booth, coming out of there it is like Wacky Races at the best of time, but when there is fog where you can’t see the sides of the road there it’s like a spooky version of it, almost like Wacky Races meets Scooby Doo.

And the other thing is that it doesn’t seem to matter which lane we get in, it is guaranteed to be the official numpty lane. In the fog, there was a car in front of us trying to pay with their phone, despite it clearly saying card only and that it doesn’t accept Apple Pay or Google Wallet etc. They tried to pay half a dozen times with their phone before using their card. On the way back in the light it wasn’t much better. First there is the lane with the big red X above it that lots of cars were still queuing in until they were told to find another lane. And then there are the muppets who seem to think that lining their car up in the next postcode will make tapping their card easier. There were two in the queue in front of us who ended up hanging out of the car to their waists to reach across to the reader. Probably the same twats who can’t use indicators or who tootle along in the middle lane doing 60. (Someone in Lancashire is not a fan of this, as they have graffitied at least three bridges telling such drivers they were tools.)

Anyway, occasionally we did find ourselves above the fog on higher ground and it was bright sunshine up there. Which was causing the car’s map display to become dark (night mode). So, it went fog – day mode, sunshine – night mode. I’m not sure where the sensor for this is on the car, but it would appear to be fucked.

The first full day in Morecambe saw stops at Matalan, Dunhelm, Home Bargains, and Sainsbury’s. What do these four places have in common? They are all an almighty time suck turning morning into evening. Granted it didn’t seem like five hours. More like five weeks.

In the evening we went for a walk up to the front and along the promenade. No idea if the tide was in. All I could see were lights over the bay somewhere near Barrow-in-Furness.

Tuesday saw a trip to Kirkby Lonsdale, which is covered in the link below.

https://onetruekev.medium.com/a-wander-around-kirkby-lonsdale-a3ad42e5124a?sk=ce253f4256ea32e3a6b184426db4947e

In the evening we headed out for dinner at the Morecambe Hotel, and for the second visit to Morecambe on the trot I nearly killed us all by pulling out in front of a vehicle I hadn’t seen. Nothing to do with the non-stop chatter in the passenger seat. It took a while for my nerves to calm down.

And then it was all over; and we spent most of Wednesday driving home. Although when we got to the M25 all the road signs had the message “Salt Spreading”. Having been up north for a few days, it did make me wonder if this was a new Covid variant affecting Cockneys only. It’s as likely as anything else these days

From Wales to Lancashire

Day 11 of our recent travels.

If anything, we were cutting it finer for breakfast this morning than yesterday, but we had packed and put most of the stuff in the car before getting breakfast. As usual there was more to try and cram into the car than was taken out on arrival. Something about too many giftshops.

It is amazing just how many tat shops there are in Betws. We are doing that souvenir shopping on departure thing. I hadn’t noticed how many there were, well hadn’t taken it in. The only thing that was really different between them was the price, as some of them didn’t seem to realise they were tat shops.

And then it was time to leave Wales. We let the lunatic sat-nav lead us across to England via a strange route full of bears that weren’t bears and turns that weren’t turns. I think she needs drug testing. We stop at a services on the M6 which is rammed. I’m not sure I’ve seen queues to get in quite like this before.

When we arrive at my mum’s, there is a new world record (and not at the Olympics either) as there is at least half an hour between arriving and being offered food. But food does eventually come with the earliest dinner we’ve had in months. After which Helen and I go for a wander around Morecambe.

I do wonder if I’ve walked around with my eyes shut when I’ve been before. Every time. We end up over near the train station, where what used to be Frankie & Benny’s is now an empty shell. Fully deserved if you ask us after their treatment of us on a previous visit to Morecambe. We head toward the Midland and find there is a walk of words along there, one that was installed 15 years ago and that I’ve never seen before, despite having walked across or along it several times.

We get to the front and walk back along it in the general direction of my mum’s house. In doing so I notice other things that were there before, but I’d missed. Like the turrets on the corner buildings either side of West End Road. Like the Battery being closed and boarded up (nearly 10 years). The large church on the corner of West Street being abandoned, with no signs saying what the dedication of the church was.

There is a brief detour onto the beach and over some rocks. Some irregular steps so that the day could count as a day out. And there it is, the now daily fatbit celebration, we can head back to mum’s and relax for the evening.

Who Are You Calling An Antique?

Whereas Helen and I had done haircuts on Monday, Wednesday morning was my mum’s turn. I dropped her off and had a little wander around Poulton, the old Morecambe before it was even Morecambe.

An old stone building

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The old Holy Trinity church is in the middle, with its old graveyard and neighbouring cemetery. Less than a hundred yards behind Holy Trinity is the Roman Catholic Church of St. Mary’s, which dated from the nineteenth century is an old church building for a Roman Catholic Church in this country. From there I could see another old brick tower and so went to investigate. Only to find it was just a brick tower in the middle of a municipal car park. Supposedly it was used by firemen to practise in. I’m not sure how much time they would have had to practise though, as this is Morecambe, fire central UK.

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I walked back towards the sea front and past Morecambe Town Hall, with its well laid out sunken gardens and grand looking frontage. As I walked past it on the way up to an old stone archway back into the cemetery, I could see the side and back of the Town Hall. They must have spent all the money on the frontage, as the rest of the building is very functional.

A person standing in front of a building

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The cemetery isn’t large but does have various interesting elements. There are two wooden carvings at the far end, very much in an oriental style. There is a variety of grand headstones and monuments throughout. Though it does look as if they had a job lot of tall columns with a half covered urn on top. A style I hadn’t really seen anywhere else before, but there were half a dozen of them in this small cemetery.

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After the haircut was done we picked Helen up and headed into Lancaster. M&S and Primark for pick-ups and exchanges, before heading up to Williamson Park and the Ashton Memorial. The memorial itself wasn’t open, but the café was, and we had lunch with a great view of Morecambe bay in the distance.

When you get told that there is an antiques centre that is huge, you assume it’s mainly hyperbole. But the GB Antiques centre isn’t exaggerating about being the largest one in the country. There is no such thing as a quick look around there. Over two hours flew by and the staff were shepherding us to the doors at closing time, without us having managed to walk around the whole thing before they started to turn lights off. We did manage to pick up a few nice items, and it is worth bearing in mind about bringing a picnic if we visit again.

With it being tea time it was time to find somewhere to have food. As has happened on a few visits to my mum’s, we ended up in The Royal in Heysham village. The last time we had been here there had been a somewhat brusque Italian guy serving. He was still there. He was still brusque, not even letting us sit down before demanding our drinks order, and saying there was no drinks menu, as it wasn’t allowed. Only for him to bring a food menu later. It’s difficult not to laugh, especially as he seemed to be wearing trousers cast off by Rupert the Bear.

Food was good, but the rain had descended by the time we were heading out to go home; thankfully after we’d done the day’s activities. All that was left to do was to plan where to go tomorrow.