Motor Mania

Well, it is the Bristol Street Motors Trophy, and it is good to dig out some of the lesser-known songs from 1983. This Roman Holliday track was one of my favourites of that year, but wasn’t a big hit, only scraping its way to number forty. Although on seeing the squad numbers for the opposition this evening I was tempted to go for I’m The Face or Zoot Suit by The High Numbers, but I’ve already used a Who title this season.

It was a good weekend, with an away win over Cambridge United seeing us climb to third in the league, and a draw between Bolton and Wrexham on Sunday meant we stayed there after all the weekend’s fixtures had been completed. FSS initially put the highlights for that game in the League Two section, continuing their inept start to the season and the new TV deal.

In the aftermath of the win, and the smoke flares (which not only caused damage to Cambridge’s pitch but also to other Crawley fans’ clothing and skin), the club have reiterated their condemnation of the use of smoke bombs. Expect even more security checks incoming.

And looking at the foot of the League Two table Saturday night I was amused to see that the bottom two were the teams we beat in last season’s playoffs. Looks like we’ve ruined them then.

Another Tuesday night, another cup game, but a different competition this time around, as it’s the first game in the group stages of the Bristol Street Motors Trophy. We had a decent run in the competition last year, winning our group, and getting to the knockout stages for only the second time since the competition introduced the group stages ten years ago. We also won our first knockout game since the change before losing to eventual winners Peterborough United. The only other time we got out of the group stage we also lost to the eventual winners (Coventry City). So, if we make it out of the group and lost in the knockout stages, everyone will know who to bet on to win the trophy.

We are playing Brighton & Hove Albion U21s, the first time we have played this particular lot of under 21s (or formerly under 23s), and a change from Aston Villa’s who we’ve played the previous two seasons. Despite it being an under 21s side, they could actually play a side with no one under the age of 21. They have to play six players who were under 21 on the 30th of June, and therefore who could all have had birthdays since then, of the others they can have a maximum of two players who are aged over 21 and have also made forty or more senior appearances, so technically speaking they could play Lewis Dunk and James Milner, which makes a bit of a mockery of it being an under 21s side.

For League One and League Two teams I didn’t realise there are limits to how weak a side they can put out. They must have four ‘qualified’ outfield players. Although ‘qualified’ is quite broad. It includes any player who started the previous (or following) first-team fixture (not sure if they have Mystic Meg checking who is going to play the next game). Or any player who is in the top ten players at the club who has made the most starting appearances in league and domestic cup competitions this season. Or any player with forty or more first-team starting appearances in their career, including International matches. Or any player on loan from a Premier League club or any EFL Category One Academy club. Which, at this stage of the season probably means we can play who the hell we want.

Tickets have gone on sale today for next Tuesday night’s game away against the full Brighton side. There have been queues, both on the phone and at the ground for the season ticket holders to get their tickets before the 3,180 allocation go on general sale on Thursday. A job for me for tomorrow when I’m not in the office and can pop to the stadium.

Popping to the stadium always seemed more hurried when trying to get there for an evening kick off after a day in the office in Hove, the morning rain has gone away, and it is still daylight as we head to the ground, even if it will be properly dark before we leave.

Haven’t seen any sight of our mate Al stewarding before today, and there has been no sign of Reggie the Red at our home games yet either. Which makes me wonder whether the latter is depending on the former for a lift to the ground, or are they the same person?

Getting there later does mean I can pick a team sheet up, and from it I can see we’ve only named four outfield subs. The squad contains neither Fish nor Faal. Again. I’m not sure when, or if, I’ll tire of that pun. We are all in red, and BHA are in their traditional Tesco carrier bag kits. The officials have come dressed as a pack of Stabilo Boss yellow highlighters.

We are a bit slow out of the blocks, I’m wondering if there was some pre-match napping going on. Eddie Beach had a couple of early attempted clearances blocked by a BHA striker, but fortunately neither rebounded into the goal. And Rafiq Khaleel is taking some time to get up to speed and is looking like he’s running through treacle. But we begin to wake up and Ade Adeyemo puts a ball through to Jack Roles in the box, but the shot is straight at the keeper.

They appear to be trying to walk the ball into the net, Roles, Khaleel, and Panutche Camara are passing it between themselves in the penalty area but can’t seem to get a shot off. And on ten minutes a hoof up field bounces and Toby Mullarkey takes the decision to try and chest the ball back to Beach whilst on the turn. He doesn’t get enough on it, and a BHA attacker nips in between the two, and strokes the ball into an empty net and we are behind 0-1.

Hopefully, that will wake us up. We win a corner, and it appears as if it is wasted, fannying about with it on the left wing, a ball comes in and a shot is block at source and comes back to Charlie Barker just outside the area and he smashes it in to equalise within three minutes of us going behind. 1-1.

There is a lot of possession play and not much action for fifteen minutes until BHA get a half chance and a shot cannons off the near post and out from seemingly nothing. At the other end Camara has a shot blocked and then thirty seconds later launches another shot high over the KRL Logistics stand, and it probably cleared the car park as well, and would have been heading off down the underpass on its way to Southgate.

After that brief piece of action there isn’t much on show and one added minute is played at the end of the half and the whistle goes with the score at 1-1. Toby Mullarkey gets a chance to rest his chest (hey, that rhymes), and is subbed at half time with Max Anderson coming on in his place, and Barker drops to the back three.

It must have been coffee at half time instead of the sleeping pills before the game as Crawley come out attacking. Antony Papadopoulos has a shot blocked on the end of an attack straight from the kick off. We keep possession and play it into the box, but the final ball just isn’t quite there. BHA attack and Beach makes a save, and we work it back out well down the pitch, and across the field and Khaleel has a shot / cross deflected out for a corner.

But then play is becoming a bit sloppy, lots of misplaced passes and BHA get more chances and force another save from Beach.

And as soon as I had written the above in my notepad, we get the ball back and attack again and Papadopoulos drills a shot into the net from twenty-five yards out and we lead 2-1. Meanwhile I’m thinking he would have been a more appropriate scorer in this competition a couple of years ago when it was sponsored by Papa Johns.

Joy Mukena takes the ball out of defence and runs, and runs, all the way to the edge of the BHA area, where his attempted ball through is deflected for a corner, which is actually crossed into the box for a change and there is a header which goes just wide.

Roles gets the ball in midfield about thirty yards out, as he did in a similar position last week, and like last week, Rick behind me shouts ‘Shoot Jack’, and he does, but this week it sails way over the top of the Eden Utilities Stand. Camara is subbed off and replaced by Armando Junior Quitirna.

Papadopoulos runs past a defender, but the defender doesn’t want to let him go, Papadopoulos continues to run with the ball for fifteen yards with the defender still pulling his shirt back before the ref finally gives a free kick. Which we waste. And BHA are still dangerous on the break and work it well to the left and have a shot which is just wide.

But we attack again down the left and Ronan Darcy, who has come on for Adeyemo, plays it to Roles in the middle of the park, who plays it across to Armando and his shot is just wide. However, the sloppiness is never far away, and we give the ball away in the middle of our own half, they play it to the left at pace and the cross comes over, there is slipping and falling in the box and the BHA striker at the back post pokes it in and it is all square again. 2-2.

From the kick off we attack, and Darcy and Roles exchange passes, and Darcy sees his shot go just wide. We make our final possible outfield substitution with Barker coming off to be replaced by Jeremy Kelly.

There are five added minutes, during which Darcy is clattered about a week after the ball has gone and is down injured, but there is no free kick. After treatment on the pitch, he continues getting treatment on the sideline and we are playing with ten men, and BHA are trying to take full advantage, and a last-minute shot hits the outside of the post and goes out for a throw. The full-time whistle goes, and it ends 2-2, which means in this mad competition in the group stage it is penalties time.

As the toss is done for which end the penalties will be taken and who will go first, Darcy is helped gingerly from the pitch and off, and that is a worrying sight. The penalties are taken in front of the home terrace, and BHA go first. Their first penalty is smashed against the bar. 0-0. Cameron Bragg takes our first with casual nonchalance and sends the keeper the wrong way 0-1. BHA score, Roles slams his penalty into the bottom corner 1-2. BHA score, Armando sends the keeper the wrong way 2-3. BHA score again, Josh Flynn sends a thunderbolt into the roof of the net, 3-4. And Beach saves the final BHA penalty, and we pick up the bonus point.

It wasn’t a great performance, and the injury is a worry, but there was decent playing time for squad members, and it may lure the senior side into a false sense of security for the Carabao Cup game next week.

After a hectic start to the season, I get a week off, as I’m not going to Wigan, so my next game will be away at the Amex next Tuesday, so I will see you next Tuesday.

Come on you reds.

Long Hot Summer

The song used in this piece’s title had nothing to do with the weather or the time of the year (not even I’m that sarcastic to suggest we’ve had a long hot summer). It is because this Style Council single from 1983 has been chosen because of its video, which was filmed on the River Cam in Cambridge.

The early season rush of fixtures continues apace with the first away game of the season coming after the opening home league win against Blackpool, and the rollercoaster midweek Carabao Cup win at home against Swindon Town. We are playing Cambridge United, one of three league games Thamestink trains can take us directly to this season from Three Bridges.

Since my last piece, the draw has been made for the second round of the Carabao Cup, and it is a very tasty tie, away against Brighton & Hove Albion. Which means that we will be playing their u21s on Tuesday and then the full team the week after on the Tuesday. If we follow that through it should mean the Tuesday after next, we will be playing their old boys, and I can’t wait for the pace of Ade and RHM to be going at Steve Foster and Mark Lawrenson.

And we have a new striker in the considerable shape of Tola Showunmi, who we’ve got from the USL side Louisville City. Let’s hope he turns out to be as good as our last signing from the USL – Jeremy Kelly.

First time playing Cambridge United since the League Two 2020-21 season when we won at home against them 2-1 and lost the away trip 3-1. In total we have played them twelve times, with five wins and seven defeats and no draws at all.

In the Cambridge squad there is Sullai Kaikai, who had a brief loan sojourn with us back in 2014. In the other direction, Jack Roles, had a season on loan there back in 2019-20. Also there in 2019, and also on loan was Rushian Hepburn-Murphy. It would be nice if the pair of them could score at the Abbey stadium for old times’ sake.

We’ve won both of our games so far this season and Cambridge have lost both of theirs, let’s hope we can keep both of those runs going.

The FSS billboard with us on it was up at Crawley station, but at the other end I just had my camera out to take a picture of the Cambridge United one on their station when a train pulled in in front of it.

It was a slightly later start than planned, but we were in Cambridge before 11 and out wandering through historic and increasingly busy streets with grand college buildings and churches either side of us.

And there were plenty of opportunities to keep up with my blue plaque obsession, which reminds me I need to finish writing up the rest of the Crawley ones.

The lure of the tat shops and another fridge magnet were too strong to resist. I did see a t-shirt which any number of people on the forum could/should be wearing.

Once satisfied the meandering route got us to the ground and a welcome sit down and drink in the shade away from the sun. The camera is well worn out before we even get to the Abbey Stadium.

The Abbey Stadium is an old school ground, and in the away end is the Steve Claridge bar. I’d forgotten he’d played for Cambridge. I remember him from when I lived in Leicester and all the City fans going mental in the Golf Range when he shinned in the last-minute winner in the playoff final to see Leicester promoted to the Premier League.

Cambridge still have a programme and it looks quite stylish. The ground’s main stand is sponsored by petrest who appear to be a pet euthanasia company. Not something to be reminded of at games.

Neither Fish nor Faal are in the squad. There is a lot of noise from a full looking away terrace and there is a red smoke flare set off before we’ve even kicked off. We are in our white/grey away kit and Cambridge are in their traditional amber and black.

Rushian Hepburn-Murphy charges down an attempted early clearance from the Cambridge keeper, but unlike the Blackpool goal last week it flies up and hits the top of the stand behind the goal.

A couple of early heavy Cambridge challenges only see the players get a talking to. Cambridge attack, Jojo Wollacott saves and the follow up is cleared off the line by Josh Flint, and only when the ball is up at the halfway line does the lino put his flag up for offside.

A third heavy challenge does see a Cambridge player get a yellow card and the free kick from thirty yards out on the right is cleared. And Jay Williams picks up a booking for clearing out one of their defenders. Cambridge break from a corner and have a shot which goes wide but they looked suspiciously offside, and the lino gets a load of abuse. And then sticks his flag up on their next attack but it is the last time he does all half.

A Cambridge defensive clearance heads over the main stand for ball loss one of the day. They are doing most of the attacking. Another header is just wide, and we try to gift them a goal from the goal kick, but the shot is easily saved by Wollacott. They get a free kick on the left edge of the area and the shot is straight at Wollacott. A corner just after sees a chance headed over. And they attack again and have a shot just wide.

We finally get an attack as Williams intercepts the ball in midfield and plays it through to RHM in the box, but he is tackled before he can get a shot off.

Then it is straight back to Cambridge attacks and another couple of chances for them and lots of possession before Armano Junior Quinirta has a shot just wide in our first attack in about ten minutes.

There are two added minutes at the end of the half, enough time for ball two to be hoofed over the roof of the stand we are in, before the whistle goes for half time.

During which there is some “sumo” (their words, not mine) in the centre circle and somebody Pickering wins it two nothing for Crawley. Our best performance of the game so far.

We start the second half with a Scott Malone shot over the bar. Their number 11 gets a booking on totting up quickly followed by one for Toby Mullarkey. Joy Mukena loses the ball near the area, but Wollacott saves and as he dives on the ball is clattered by their striker and needs some treatment.

Another Cambridge attack sees a save and then a scramble before the (other) lino puts the flag up for offside. Back at our end the lino remembers how to use his flag and waves it to say Armando is offside and he is then booked for kicking the ball away.

We get a corner from an Armando shot which is deflected behind off an arm, but it’s just a corner and not the claimed penalty. The ball is worked in, and the shot is saved. Three subs follow with Alexander, Armando, and Malone off, and replaced by Panutche Camara, Ade Adeyemo, and Cameron Bragg.

A general improvement in play follows and we have more attacking play, working the ball all over the pitch before finding Ronan Darcy whose shot from twenty yards out is saved. Another substitution follows with RHM off and Jack Roles on. A corner is played to Darcy and his shot is blocked. The ball is recycled in and Adeyemo’s shot is well over the bar.

A free kick into the area sees a header from Mullarkey go over the bar and land on the roof of the net.

With less than five minutes of normal time left a ball played over the top finds Adeyemo and he takes it round the keeper, but wide, yet manages to steer it in from an acute angle and we lead 1-0. The goal is celebrated with a red smoke flare thrown onto the pitch.

After a delay, from the restart we are almost through again, but this time the final ball doesn’t fond Adeyemo.

There are seven added minutes. A long clearance from Wollacott is mis-headed behind for a corner and we’re in no rush to take it. A Cambridge attack is headed back and forth across the box before it ends up in Wollacott’s hands. There is time to substitute Williams for Barker, but only just as the whistle goes for full time after the ball is thrown back in, and Crawley won 1-0.

The players come over and none of the 494 Crawley fans (out of a crowd of 6,720) are in any hurry to leave. And I manage to make a hash of trying to get a picture of Scott Lindsey mid arm pump celebration, I either mistime it, or someone suddenly stands up in front of me, or it ends up blurry. I will get one of them eventually.

Cambridge didn’t announce their man of the match, but I suspect it went to the lino on our side of the pitch.

We may have ridden our luck a bit in the first half but were much better in the second and the win leaves us in third place in the fledgling table.

I don’t think the grounds staff were overly impressed by the scorched earth on the pitch after the game.

Helen had had the foresight to book a table at the curry house opposite the ground and it was all the tastier for an away win. Cambridge fans were moaning about their profligacy and the smoke flares, as they had items taken off them and a raffle ticket given for them to collect it after the game, but our fans had got flares in. Which was a surprise as the bag check and pat down on me was quite thorough.

The sun has long gone by the time we get home, tired but happy after an enjoyable day out.

There is no respite, we go again back at home on Tuesday night in another different competition with the Bristol Street Motors trophy starting early for us with the visit of Brighton U21s for the first game in our group stage.

Come on you reds.

Rockin’ Robin

A young, Motown affiliated Michael Jackson kicks us off this time around as I reference the opposition’s nickname to make a tenuous title link again.

After the great opening day win against Blackpool on Saturday, it is back to action quickly with midweek action in the Carabao Cup. And we are playing Swindon Town, who, over the last couple of years we have had a number of dealings with, as out manager Scott Lindsey was let go by them, last year’s club captain and now one of our coaches – Ben Gladwin came from there, as did current club captain Dion Conroy, and then we have had Ronan Darcy and Rushian Hepburn-Murphy from them as well. Going the other way, one of the stalwarts of out promotion winning side last year, Will Wright has gone the other way, and he made the same start for them on Saturday as he did for us last season, with a thunderbolt of a goal. It will also give us the chance to scout their current team for any more of their contingent we might like to sign.

We last played them on New Year’s Day when we beat them 3-1 at home, somewhat making up for the 6-0 drubbing we had at their place last August. We haven’t played them in the Carabao Cup (in any of its incarnations) before. But we did play them in the FA Cup winning 3-2 away in a second-round replay in 2010 after a 1-1 draw at home. And overall, we lead the head-to-head against them with eight wins to their six, with seven draws.

Elsewhere, the managerial merry go round has started early, and Preston North End (no relation to our co-chairman) have sacked their manager after one game, and the bookies have initially made Scott Lindsey as the favourite for the job. To which all I can say is fuck off Preston. And the same for bookies.

As well as being live and direct at the Broadfield Stadium, the game is going to be live on FSS as well. For those who can’t make it to Crawley for the game, let’s hope that FSS don’t fuck up again, and actually show the whole match after their failure to do so on Saturday when they cut off after 93 minutes.

With it being a midweek evening game, there will be no getting to the ground three hours before kick-off like there was on Saturday. More like twenty minutes. The underpass still looks clean, just a couple of items left behind by litterbugs.

And in an act of obvious shithousery Swindon name Will Wright as the captain for the game. When the teams come out for the game it would appear that Swindon are wearing our third kit from last season. Was that part of the payment for the deal for Rushian Hepburn-Murphy? For us neither Fish nor Faal are in the squad.

We get an early chance, working the ball well in a tight space down the right and then switched over to the left where Jack Roles cuts inside and tries to curl one in only for it to go wide. Toby Mullarkey is showing some skills going forward and is putting in some good tackles on defensive duty.

A free kick on the left is floated to the edge of the area and headed on. Ade Adeyemo tries to delicately float it over the keeper and in, but the keeper gets back and pushes the ball over the bar for a corner. Which is played out to Roles outside the box, and he is fouled. He takes the free kick himself and drills it low and just wide of the post.

Swindon are starting to come into the game a bit more, but a good move sees Jeremy Kelly feed the ball to Rafiq Khaleel on the right and his shot is tipped round the post for a corner. Which was wasted. But we keep the ball, and it is played in and out of the box, but we can’t quite fashion a shooting opportunity.

At the other end Swindon win the ball and get into the area and get a shot off which is just wide. It did look as if we’d fallen asleep for a moment there. On thirty-five minutes we work the ball forward and Roles puts the ball through to Adeyemo in the box and his shot is close to the keeper, but it seems to go through him and squirms its way over the line and we lead 1-0.

A through ball from Mullarkey see Khaleel in the box, but he is squeezed out to the right and his shot is from a tight angle and easily saved by the Swindon keeper. Another long ball is played through to Adeyemo in the box but his shot loops into the air and out for a goal kick. There is one minute of added time at the end of the half and the half time whistle goes with us leading 1-0.

Looking on social media at half time and it would appear that the FSS feed is shit, with both wonky camera work being moaned about, and the game disappearing off screens for a bit with ‘technical issues’. The much-vaunted FSS coverage isn’t what it was cracked up to be.

We make two substitutions at half time and take a bit of time to get going. From the second of a couple of early corners Swindon have a shot which is well saved by Jojo Wollacott. From the third successive corner the shot is high over the bar and is only stopped from being the only ball of the night to disappear over the stand by coming back off the empty camera gantry on top of the KRL Logistics stand. It would seem that Carabao Cup games don’t warrant a second FSS camera at the ground then.

Finally, we get a bit of the ball and counterattack, the ball is worked out to Khaleel on the right and his shot is saved. And from another Swindon corner we break again down the right and Khaleel’s cross is blocked out for a throw near the corner flag. A bit more pressure follows, and the ball ends up with Roles after a pass from Armando Junior Quitirna. Rick who sits behind me and is Jack’s biggest fan shouts ‘Shoot Jack’ (not with a gun as some might think), and Roles obliges and unleashes from thirty-five yards straight into the top corner and we lead 2-0.

Which kind of led to the team thinking it was all over and they relaxed far too much for anyone’s liking. A couple of minutes later there was some slack play trying to pass the ball across the edge of our own area and the ball was hoovered up by a Swindon player and passed on and a shot from the edge of the area nestled in the net to make it 2-1.

The Swindon number 9 was living a charmed life. There were three heavy and late challenges which could all have been bookings, but after the third one he only got a talking to. Even on totting up he should have had a booking by now. Swindon get a free kick just inside our half and Will Wright takes it quickly and puts it into the net from forty yards, but the ref pulls it back as the whistle hadn’t gone. A couple of minutes later Swindon get a ball in the box and attempt a cross which Antony Papadopoulos (if he plays a lot I’m going to have to be cutting and pasting that name) slides to stop, but it hits his arm, and a penalty is given. Will Wright steps up to take and Wollacott makes a great save to push it round the post. The relief from that doesn’t last long though. The corner comes all the way over to the back post and it’s a free header and it’s 2-2.

Which sees us make two more substitutions. Khaleel gets a booking on the right wing for a nothing challenge. Which is a surprise as I’d assumed the ref hadn’t brought his cards out onto the pitch with him. Seconds later the Swindon number 8 goes straight through the back of Roles, and nothing is given. At all. That was dangerous, studs up, and late, and could have been a red, but waved away and only two meters in front of the lino with the white stick.

Swindon are really up for this now and they are doing most of the attacking. Wollacott is forced into a couple of saves before we get out of our own half and attack. The ball is worked to Papadopoulos (yes copy and paste was used for that) and his shot is just over the bar. Roles then commits a foul on the edge of the D, and the yellow card is whipped out in record time. The shot is round the wall, but Wollacott makes another good save, and the rebound is headed over. Another foul near the corner flag sees Josh Flint pick up a booking. At this stage the ref is just taking the piss.

But we appear to have woken up after nearly half an hour of slumber and do some attacking, with a couple of blocked shots. We keep the pressure on, and the ball is worked across from Khaleel to Roles in the middle of the park and he strokes the ball into the bottom corner from twenty odd yards out and we lead again, 3-2.

From the kick off, Swindon play it back to the keeper who hoofs it up the pitch we win it back and Roles is wiped out by another horrendous tackle, but we break and Armando crosses to the right and Khaleel picks it up and scores to make it 4-2. There is still no booking forthcoming for a Swindon player, who appear to have been given licence to kick the shit out of Jack Roles.

There are six added minutes at the end of the game and it takes until the very last one of them before the ref finally remembers he is actually allowed to book a Swindon player for their thuggery, and that is pretty much the end of the action and the final whistle goes with us coming out 4-2 winners and booking a place in round two, the draw for which is made tomorrow evening. Let’s hope it’s a good draw for us.

The crowd was announced as 2,396 with 315 away fans. It did look like there were more than that though. And the sponsors’ man of the match was the scorer of two stunning goals, and general punchbag for the Swindon players, Jack Roles.

That was harder work than it should have been, but it gave a lot of players a bit more competitive game time which is always good, and we did win. And now it’s on to Cambridge United away on Saturday.

Come on you reds.

Start

Song title to kick off the new season’s worth of match reports comes from the second number one from the greatest group of all time – The Jam (even if they did nick the riff from The Beatles’ “Taxman”). Definitely better than picking something by Tangerine Dream.

A new season is upon us, Saturday afternoons will have meaning again, and this season it will include Saturday tea times, Saturday lunch time, Sundays perhaps, Tuesday nights (and doubtless any other night of the week now). It won’t quite be a case of 24/7, but it might seem like that.

I won’t rehash the offseason, I covered enough of that in my preseason piece earlier in the week.

Although since then we have signed a Chelsea under 21 keeper on loan and I’ve got the new, what is now called the Utilita football handbook. However, I couldn’t remember it was sponsored by Utilita when I pre-ordered it in Waterstones, instead my mind went back to my childhood, and I called it the Rothmans yearbook. Whilst I was at it, I should have checked the cricket scores in the John Player Sunday league and the Bensons & Hedges trophy, the Embassy snooker world championship, and been cheering on the Maclaren, Lotus, and Ligier formula one teams sponsored as they were by Marlboro, JPS, and Gitanes. All of which were smoking hot.

I know all the info in the yearbook is online nowadays, but I like having the heft of the book. It is heavy. Heavy is good, heavy is reliable, and if there’s an argument over some stats you can always hit them with it. Although I do miss the now defunct News of the World / Nationwide annual, as it had most of the data of the Rothmans, but it would fit in your pocket. It just isn’t an effective a weapon to beat people with. And I didn’t realise Utilita were sponsoring Blackpool.

Who we play in the first game of the new season in League 1. They are the first of eight former Premier League sides we will be playing this season, half of whom begin with the letter B. The four season preview tables I included in my preseason piece had them finishing 6th, 7th, 8th, and 9th, so all well above our predicted places.

For some reason when I think of Blackpool, I always think it is a shame Dion Dublin didn’t play for them. Seeing as Dublin translates from Gaelic to English as Black Pool, it would have meant Blackpool would have been playing for Blackpool. That’ll just be my stupid mind thinking that though.

Also, Blackpool does remind me of one of my old housemates from my Manchester days. He was a degenerate gambler whose common phrase when dragging us into the casino at three in the morning was ‘always bet on black’. Something he took to his fixed odds betting for a season with him always choosing Blackpool and Blackburn on the sheet every week. And winning nothing.

Mentioning Blackpool and Blackburn together reminds me of another story (yes, I even go off on tangents to my tangents). Back on Easter Monday 2002 I was persuaded to go to Ewood Park as an away fan to watch Southampton play Blackburn. In the away end there were twenty fans in orange Blackpool shirts. I thought to myself perhaps they have come to the wrong black town, but it turns out they had come to see Brett Ormerod play having sold him to Southampton earlier in the season.

We have played Blackpool just the twice, back in the 2016-17 season, and we won 1-0 at home and had a 0-0 draw away. I’d be more than happy with a repeat of those results this season.

I didn’t sleep well last night, not because of nerves, but because my stupid brain wouldn’t shut off and had thoughts of winning the lottery and sorting out premises for the Crawley Town megastore in town and then thinking of all the merch that could be stocked in it. I really need to get out more.

Whilst I was out at writing, Helen was on social media trying to drum up support / help to clean up the underpass to the ground. Some of the negativity in the responses was sadly predictable. And although there was no help forthcoming, the job she did on it was remarkable and it looks great.

I know I like to get to the ground early, but coming straight from writing would have been ridiculous, wouldn’t it? Due to the stupid 5.30pm kick off, what kind of idiot would turn up to the ground four hours before kick-off. The kick off time is for the benefit of Sky Sports, or Fuck Sky Sports (FSS) as I call them. It certainly isn’t for the benefit of the supporters. Anyway, I stopped and had a coffee and a chat and was only at the ground three hours before kick-off. When walking through town there was a band on at the bandstand and they happened to be playing ‘Boys Don’t Cry’ as I walked past them. Not something I want to be hearing come twenty past seven.

When I arrived at the ground everyone was outside as the fire alarm had gone off. Hopefully not another sign of things to come.

The new kit is in the shop. I got a shirt and as predicted I had to go two sizes bigger than I am in normal clothes. I could have got away with one size, but it would never go over layers when they will be required when the weather gets nasty. Custom name printing will have to come during the week. They also had new caps in stock, and even if it is packaged as an autograph book, it is a branded notepad and pen. All I need now is a fridge magnet.

Being early I took refuge from the sun and sat in Redz Bar watching the first half of the Community Shield. As I don’t drink, I don’t usually go in there, and when I have it has always been packed so I hadn’t noticed the framed shirts on the walls before. I now have shirt envy over this one.

I was inside the ground well over an hour before kick-off. The pitch looks amazing.

This lot have done a wonderful job.

Turns out it isn’t a solid backing on the east marquee, it is netting and at the top only. It isn’t flappy, but it will let the wind whistle through it later in the year. The team line-up was announced and there was neither Fish nor Faal on it. The officials haven’t even started the game and they’re getting abuse. Little high pitched kids voices are shouting ‘run faster lino’ as they jog past on their warmup.

Blackpool are in a mainly dark blue kit with some kind of squiggle pattern on the front of the shop. The two fan coaches were cutting it fine, but the away end looks reasonably full. Their number 3 is called Husband, but there is no player called Wife in their squad, so they aren’t a husband and wife team.

Into the game and the early pressure is from Blackpool, and it takes us more than five minutes to mount an attack down the left wing. It is well worked but we can’t quite get a clear shooting opportunity, and the final attempt from Scott Malone is blocked at source.

Quarter of an hour into the game and we have settled now. A ball from Jeremy Kelly is lofted over the defence and Rushian Hepburn-Murphy takes it down and then dinks it over the keeper and we are 1-0 up.

And there is decent pace from RHM again a couple of minutes later and it takes a last-ditch challenge to just take it off his toes before he can get a shot away. There is some back and forth, and we get a ball to Armando Junior Qunitirna, but his shot is over.

A free kick from in the attacking half is played to RHM and he dinks it past the keeper and into the net again, but the joy is short lived as a somewhat dubious foul has been given in the build-up. Blackpool attack, a shot is saved and then cleared, and we break, and Ronan Darcy’s cross goes out.

A ball is played from midfield by Darcy to Armando on the left. He cuts past a couple of players and into the box, and his shot/cross takes a deflection and loops over the keeper and into the net to make it 2-0. And that puts us top of the table at that point in time.

Jojo Wollacott is booked for timewasting when taking a free kick (in the first half without any warning FFS), only for the free kick to be returned to be taken again as the ref wasn’t ready. That’s really taking the piss. There were a couple of Blackpool chances but both shots end up going wide. And there is one minute of added time at the end of the first half. In which there is another chance for Blackpool, a shot from outside the area is blocked near the line and cleared, but they attack again, and another shot from distance hits the outside of the post before the whistle goes for half time and a 2-0 lead.

The second half starts with another Blackpool attack and their shot is dragged wide. It’s fairly even but Blackpool are trying to put more pressure on. Josh Flint hoofs a clearance out over the KRL Logistics stand for ball loss number one of the day and a corner. Which we break from and Max Anderson’s shot is wide.

We get the ball back quickly and Darcy’s shot takes a touch off a defender which takes the pace of it and it is comfortably saved by the keeper. We get a free kick by the left corner and the cross is cleared to Darcy on the edge of the area but his shot is high and wide.

Flint appeals about giving a corner away and is booked for his protestations which looked nearly as harsh as Wollacott’s booking in the first half. The corner is cleared and a minute later ball two disappears out over the side of the west stand. Blackpool are upping the pressure and get a couple of corners in quick succession, and the second is cleared at the third attempt.

There is fannying about at the back and Wollacott’s attempted clearance is straight at the onrushing striker and it bounces back off him and into the net and it is now only 2-1.

It is getting tense now, but we win a corner, which comes to nothing. There is more and more Blackpool pressure, but we break, and Ade Adeyemo gets a shot on target which is just about bundled behind for a corner. There is a pattern emerging in the last few minutes of the game. Blackpool pressure and us breaking. We do so again, and the ball is in the net from Panutche Camara from a Jack Roles cross, but the linesman’s flag is up for offside, and it doesn’t count.

There are five minutes of added time and Jay Williams clears a ball out over the east marquee for ball loss number three of the day, the throw is cleared, but comes back in and Blackpool get a corner, and after more pressure we break again, Adeyemo feeds Camara, but his first touch is a bit heavy and the keeper gets a hand to it, but it comes back to him and he tries a back heel, which goes past the keeper but it is slow moving and the keeper turns and stops the ball before it goes over the line.

And the full-time whistle goes, and we win 2-1. What a start to the season. The crowd was announced as being 4,718 (so I was only 98 out with my silly guess of 4,816 – and my score prediction was 2-1, so not a bad week), and Josh Flint was named as the sponsor’s man of the match.

The result leaves us sixth or seventh depending on which muppets are producing the table. And it is now onto the Carabao Cup on Tuesday night with the visit of Swindon Town before the next league game and the first away trip of the season to play Cambridge United.

And it would appear that FSS managed to drop the final couple of minutes of the game which no one watching at home needs.

Come on you reds.

Won’t Get Fooled Again

Who better to start off the new season preview than The Who? This season it will be the actual song titles, and not bastardised versions. How relevant the titles will be to what is going on will be anyone’s guess.

Do you remember that brilliant end to last season, the playoff wins, the Wembley victory, and the promotion it secured. The celebration at the Broadfield Stadium two days later? The pictures with the playoff winner’s trophy?

How long did it take for that balloon to deflate? Well, not long, after a day of get your picture taken with the playoff win trophy, and the initial burst of record season ticket sales (which are now over 1900) came lots of pieces of news that were less than optimum.

It could have been a case of having a title of Another One Bites The Dust, as for a couple of weeks that was what it was like, another day saw another of the promotion winning squad disappear off out the door. Incoming players weren’t quite as quick at appearing. There were plenty of gallows humour posts, and things like ‘the turnstile number 8 operator has been transferred to Dorking’, and ‘the tea lady has moved on to Three Bridges’.

I was disappointed to see the programme editor had moved on as well. Oh, no, hold on, we don’t have a programme do we. (I can’t promise that this will be my last mention of this, even if I should follow the suggestion one of our fans shouted to Scott at the Lewes friendly – ‘Let it go.’ Although there is talk of a monthly fanzine / magazine to start in September which will cover some of the programme needs, so need to see how that pans out I suppose.)

On the forums there was the inevitable outcry, and the thread to throw any incoming player rumours into. Of course, I made my own less than helpful suggestion based on a lifetime of reading comic strips.

Can we get the following XI, sod the formation.

Ben Leiper

Kurt Panzer

Sebastian Griswell

Bobby Booth

Hamish Balfour

Billy Dane (as long as he’s still got his old boots)

Kevin Mouse

Jon Stark

Nick Jarvis

Roy Race

Billy the Fish

That lot should see us get promoted.

We had the saga of Preston Johnson standing down as co-chairman, only to come back and relocate his family to Crawley to step back in after the worst of sales furore. There have been some reasonable pieces coming out from him as the off season has gone on. And the fan forum with new co-chair Ben Levin on Monday was very positive and there were a lot of things covered that I have moaned about previously (club shop, extra turnstiles, east marquee – if not immediate fixes then at least they are on the radar, along with a new digital ticketing system before the end of the year.)

There have been signings. The same kind of mix of players who were hardly household names in their own households as we had last season, but there are players in that mix who have played in the top flight, albeit (apart from the new keeper) not the English top flight, but the Dutch and Scottish ones, and we have got a couple of loans in from Premiership sides. But we are still at least a couple of players short, and especially light up front. But that is apparently being worked on as I write this.

And the turnover of players will mean there will need to be some turnover in the fan chants. It depends on who plays regularly and does well, but Pat Boone’s ‘Speedy Gonzales’ seems a possibility

Oh Speedy Gonzalez (speedy Gonzalez)

Down the wing he roams

Oh Speedy Gonzalez (speedy Gonzalez)

Leaves the defender all alone

Then, as I mentioned in my friendlies piece, traditional Irish classic, Molly Malone has been bouncing around in my head already.

In Crawley’s fair town

At the Broadfield Stadium Ground

We all set eyes on our own Scott Malone

As he runs down the wing

And gets his cross in

We cry, head it, or kick it, just get the ball in

And I’m sure someone could do something with Meet The Flintstones for Josh Flint.

The new kits were unveiled, red, white, and blue, and all with a very nice trident design in the pattern of them. We have gone back to them being produced by Errea, which as I have mentioned before is the Italian for ‘two sizes smaller than it says on the label’. Although when they have gone on presale, the footer note says to buy a size bigger than you would usually wear, so at least they know their sizes are a bit on the snug side. The sell off of all the old Adidas gear did see me pick up a lot of bargain clothing, including the day before the Palace game where there was a lot of stuff not at the trophy picture day sell off. I got one of the puffer hooded coats for £25, a bargain not to be missed. Now I’m wondering just how many layers of CTFC gear I can wear at the same time.

I made it to the first two preseason friendly, the remainder were trickier. The two other midweek games were too far to get to on time on a workday evening, and the only home (and weekend) game, against Crystal Palace, was a ridiculous 12:30 kick off. Which as it is a friendly and clashes with my writing group, means the writing group wins. It will be a tougher choice once the proper season starts. It’s a battle of things important to me which is going to happen more often during the season now that Sky Sports is on the scene fucking up kick off times. I understand it brings in a fair amount of money for the club, and it raises the club’s profile both here and overseas, but as usual, no one gives a shit about the fans. Shifting game start times (and days) willy nilly. Making travel more difficult. Just leave them at 3pm on a Saturday. Crawley have a few televised games early in the season. I would love to have a big banner screaming FUCK SKY SPORTS to unfurl at those games (and in smaller print underneath ‘we want our 3pm back’). But I suspect that would just get me banned, something I definitely don’t want to be. Anyway, I did make it to the last of the friendlies as well, and there is a piece on all of them together at the link below.

A wish from me for the season is for people to clear up after themselves. I can guarantee that by the end of the game the stands will be litter strewn hovels. People can manage to get the food and drink to their seats but can’t possibly take the litter away with them at the end. They just drop it and expect someone else to clean it up. And again most of them have to walk past the wheelie bins placed next to the bottom of each set of stairs out of the stands when they are leaving. And the clean up all costs the club money, which might be able to be spent on other things, such as the playing budget or stadium improvements.

It does look as if something has been done along the back of the east marquee as when passing it the last few times it doesn’t look as if there is still tatty, flappy tarpaulin there. I’ll see when at the game on Saturday what they’ve actually done, but hopefully it is something a bit more solid / wind resistant.

It was my birthday over the summer break and one of the presents was a print of the painting of the Broadfield Stadium, so that has now been framed and is up for people to see as soon as they walk into the house.

I found the book Soccernomics in a charity shop over the summer, and although it is about ten years old now, there are a couple of chapters in there that show how the kind of data driven transfers we have seen from WAGMI came about at first, and how clubs are somewhat reluctantly beginning to use that kind of data. It was an interesting read.

There was also time to watch the latest series of Welcome To Wrexham. We had a few seconds of action included from our home game, but there was no mention of the drubbing at their place towards the end of the season. I know they get berated as FC Hollywood, but it is still interesting to see what they are doing to help the wider community as well, not just the football side of it.

And with a week to go, the season preview football magazines are out. Both Four Four Two and When Saturday Comes have the same predictions as they did for us last season. Rock bottom of the division. But as we all know, this season it is a different division, as we defied their predictions and got promoted, so what do they know?

Both Sam Jordan (in FFT) and Carol Bates (in WSC) were well reasoned and optimistic in their answers to the questions set.

The answers from other teams amused me as well. In WSC, Mansfield said their worst moment of last season was us thumping them 4-1 at their place, and Crewe had their playoff final loss to us as their worst moment. We might have made it a hat trick, but WSC still boycott asking the MK Dons questions.

It would seem Mansfield take the cue from their manager and are obsessed with us. In FFT their respondent said they were least looking forward to playing us this season, and the one player they wanted there was Klaidi Lolos. Crewe’s respondent was saying that Jack Powell will be their key player for the new season. And Gillingham’s respondent said the player they would gladly drive to another club was Ashley Nadesan, so I’m assuming they went on a trip to Sutton last week.

Opta weren’t quite so pessimistic about us, they still had us as being relegated, but going down fighting in 21st and not dead last, and less than two points from survival.

Elsewhere on the web, the Real EFL followed the magazines and had us rock bottom. The common denominator for them all is we are taking Shrewsbury with us.

Whilst reading the magazines I did find the most random of stats which piqued my interest. Apparently, there is now only one side in the Premier League / Football League whose ground is situated in a parliamentary constituency with a Conservative MP this season, and that is the newly promoted Bromley.

So, enough random tangents, time for my predictions for the season. I tend to be a natural pessimist, but I won’t be going for us for relegation, no matter what all the magazines and websites and bookies (fucking pox on the world) say. I would be happy with 20th, but that leaves a lot of squeaky bum time to have to contend with during the season. I will go for us being somewhere in the teens.

As for the cups, well, I’d hope we were able to get out of the group stage of the Bristol Street Motors Trophy again this year. Given the draw I’d also hope to see us make the second round of the Carabao Cup, but that might well be it for us this season. And I’m hopeful that we will get a January FA Cup game this season as well.

All that is left is to get the new kit, get my custom name and number on it and settle down in the usual place near the halfway line in the east marquee and welcome Blackpool for the first game of the season. Tickets for the first two cup games of the season are in pocket, as is the one for the first away game of the season at Cambridge.

There are some tasty away trips this season, both from a perspective of big clubs to be pitted against, and some lovely historic cities to visit. Lincoln being a Tuesday night is a pain as will probably miss that one, and Exeter between Christmas and New Year is an arse, but still lots of others to go to, and nice weekends away to be had (oh, and Birmingham as well).

Come on you reds.

Are Friends Electric

Tubeway Army kick off the latest season as there is a brief look at the three preseason friendlies I managed to get to. I hadn’t been to any Crawley preseason friendlies before as a Crawley fan, I had been to a couple at the Broadfield Stadium back when I was a Tottenham fan, and their kids would get their preseason beating as I stood in the away end. So new ground for me really.

First up was the game at Lewes on the 16th of July.

I hadn’t had the pleasure of going to Lewes’s ground before and really liked it, and the whole friendly atmosphere. The seats are comfortable (they are old Wembley ones), but the leg room is non-existent, they would be ideal if I could unscrew my legs. It is also the first time I’ve been to a preseason friendly as a Crawley Town supporter. I had been to a couple years ago, but that was in the away end and as a Tottenham fan. There is a good turnout and a lot of familiar faces. With all the comings and (mainly) goings, it’s difficult to tell who a lot of the players are, and which are new signings, and which are the trialists. It takes me a few minutes to work out that if there is a name on the back of the shirt they are signed, and just a number is a trialist. We are in the new blue third kit, and the more I see it the more I like it. I am also getting kit envy about the squad’s black training kit with the red trident on the back of it.

There is some good passing play and plenty of chances created, the Lewes keeper is having a blinder, but we eventually get a goal just before half time after Ronan Darcy knocks in the rebound after another decent save. For me, the standout player of the first half is the triallist in the number 2 shirt. Flying up and down the left wing getting involved. He’s quick, and does decent work, even if he is a bit rough around the edges.

There is a complete change of personnel for the second half, and the triallist wearing the number 2 shirt in the second half isn’t anywhere near as involved as the one in the first half. Another triallist, wearing the number 12 shirt scores a second goal for us, but that concluded our scoring for the game. Jay Williams is on, and he really doesn’t understand the concept of friendly – whoosh – through anybody and anything. Scott Lindsey is giving the ref verbals about a few decisions, and the ref gets to the point where he’s had enough and marches over to tell Scott to keep his opinions to himself. Scott is still chuntering away later in the half and a fan yells from the crowd ‘let it go Scott, it’s only a friendly’, Scott turns around with a smile and asks, ‘what’s that?’

We need to get a CTFC scarf up on the wall with all the other club’s ones.

I did toy with writing a full match report but was on a bit of a writing CBA then. I had a killer title lined up as well – “Out Of The Dripping Pan And Into The Dire”. But we weren’t that bad.

Roll on East Grinstead on Saturday. Which followed on the 20th of July.

East Grinstead are certainly taking their wasps nickname serious. Perhaps this is where Wiz Khalifa got his inspiration for “Black And Yellow”. Everything is decked out in black and yellow, even the goal nets. We look as if it is pretty much a first XI to play the first half. The ground is filling up nicely, and it’s not a bad ground, not as good as the Dripping Pan on Tuesday night though. As people are coming to their seats and to stand around the perimeter of the pitch a lot are carrying beers. I wonder what level does no drinking in sight of the pitch go down to? Or does it not apply for preseason friendlies?

A few notes from me on the game. There was a decent sized crowd, and always interesting to see people changing what end they stand in at half time, following their team’s goalmouth action (hopefully).

I think it was almost a full strength first XI for the first half, and they did look quite cohesive. They were wearing their white second kit, there looks to be a lot more grey in it than there looked at the kit launch.

Didn’t hear what the two minutes silence was for as their PA system doesn’t make it out as far as the seats, but it was well respected. Jeremy Kelly was playing in the position vacated by his namesake Liam, and I thought he did a decent job there. Jay Williams opened the scoring with a well taken goal from outside the area. He really has no chill at all and could easily start a fight in a phone box, it is a worry as to just how many yellow cards he’s going to rack up in the forthcoming season.

Rushian Hepburn-Murphy is not inspiring confidence as our main (only) striker. He works hard but the finishing looks woeful. There is a lack of composure. One shot cleared the ground, and headed off through the trees and the last time anyone checked it was halfway down the A264 on its way to Tunbridge Wells.

Everything seemed to come down our left-hand side, Harry Forster doesn’t quite look fully fit yet. On the other side Malone got himself into acres of space numerous times but rarely saw the ball and took a knock just before half time and was subbed off.

A complete change at half time saw us field five trialists in the second half. The number nine showed some of the composure RHM is missing and slotted in a nice second goal. Ade Adeyemo was immense. Raf played well in that central midfield pivot role, and I told him so when I saw him on his way into EG train station after the match (by himself – a bit strange I thought), he seems quite shy. I hope he gets more game time this season, even if it is off the bench.

Gonzalez showed flashes, but looks a bit raw, but does seem to link up well with Adeyemo down the right. And although he didn’t see as much of the ball as on Tuesday night, the left wing back trialist in the number 2 shirt still looked useful when he did get the ball.

Overall, it was a reasonable pair of performances, albeit against much lower league opposition. But as Sooty and others have been saying repeatedly, we desperately need additional strikers.

As for EG, none of them stood out as much as the Lewes number 4 did on Tuesday night, but I did wonder if their sub in the number 12 shirt was wearing number 12 because that’s his squad number, or because that’s a reminder as to how old he was.

And finally, their number 15 inspired me no end. So much so that I decided to walk home to Southgate from EG along the Worth Way (which is how I saw Raf going into the station). I thought that if I lose a couple of more pounds and sharpen my fitness a bit, then I too might be able to win a raffle and get a game with some club or other.

The next Tuesday saw an away game against Wealdstone, too much of a trek on a working day for me, and it was a 1-0 loss.

Although I didn’t go to the Palace game, Helen did, and I missed a goal fest and by all accounts some great comedy defending, with it finishing as a 6-3 loss. RHM scored a couple which will hopefully settle him down.

And he scored in the Tuesday night game away at Aldershot, one of those places that is a pain in the arse to get to at the best of times, let alone on a Tuesday evening after work. After scoring we gave away a comedy goal within a minute but got another in the second half to win 2-1.

Then on to the final preseason friendly. You would think that two hours should be more than enough to get to Ebbsfleet from Crawley, but no period ever seems to be enough when having to deal with the vagaries of the M25, with two long hold ups, which seemed to be caused by people who don’t know how to drive on the motorway. And then Google maps was its shitty self, sending us round the houses (literally) to get to the car park.

First impression of the Ebbsfleet ground was the stand on the main road looks good, and even redder than our own. If only they could spell cufflink properly. The signs pointed us the wrong way, seeing as there was no segregation, signs to the away end were redundant, but fortunately a woman told us there was only the one entrance before we’d gotten all the way around.

They have a ladies toilet block, so despite being non-league they are already ahead of Mansfield Town in the facilities stakes.

We got there about ten minutes in, and it was 0-0, and for most of the first half it seemed like there was a forcefield at the halfway line preventing Crawley from attacking. I don’t know what the first ten minutes were like, but for most of the rest of the half we were having plenty of defending practise. Dion Conroy went down a couple of times with injuries in the first half and was subbed at half time. It took until the forty-third minute for us to see Crawley get a shot off, and RHM put it just wide and over after some decent work from Malone (for some reason all I can think of now is ‘cockles and mussels, alive, alive-o’).

In the blue away kit, and I noticed we now have short sponsors. Beaufort. Now, I have no idea what the company Beaufort does, but I have heard of the Beaufort Scale, which is what they use to measure wind speeds. Does this mean we now have indicators with the squad numbers as to how many tins of beans each of the players have been eating?

I have a wander about at half time and again quite like the ground. You can see that the new shiny stand is a change of sides for the main stand. The seats have plenty of leg room compared to the ones on the other side, and that stand still has the old brick built dug outs in place. You wonder if it gets a bit too feisty on the sidelines whether one side can bugger off and use the set on the other side. It is an interesting ground, looking out from it you can see the old fossil fuel industry of the area with a refinery in the background, and then further along, the more modern renewables shows its face with wind turbine tips rotating above the top of the trees, and pylons carry lines over one corner of the ground.

We come out much better in the second half, I think there may well have been a lot of ‘enthusiasm’ from Scott at half time. And when Ade Adeyemo and Harry Forster come on just after the hour mark it was easy to see the jump in intensity and attacking threat those changes brought.

Ebbsfleet brought former Crawley player Tom Dallinson on at seventy minutes. I happened to bump into his dad in the toilets when leaving after the game and he was saying how much Tom enjoyed his time playing for us.

A couple of minutes after he came on, we scored. A cross-field ball took a slight deflection straight into Forster’s path, he took it into the area and his shot took a slight deflection as well and went in the top corner.

Although we were better going forward, it is clear to see we are still susceptible to pace at the back. And to the soft own goal. And on eight six minutes that is what happened, a pacy attack down the left saw a cross come in and Joy Mukena (I think) prod it in from a few yards out. It could have been worse as in injury time another cross from the left ended up hitting the crossbar, and not long after the final whistle went.

It was probably a fair result, but it doesn’t inspire masses of confidence for the step up in opposition when the season starts next weekend.

The crowd was announced as 885, no idea how many Crawley fans there were there, as both sets of fans were in red and they were inter-mingled and spread out all over the place in their 5k or so capacity ground.

After the game Utred recognised me from my terrible profile picture and introduced himself, and a few Ebbsfleet fans came up and wished us well for the new season as we were leaving. And the journey home wasn’t anywhere near as painful as the one going.

It’s been good fun getting to the friendlies, seeing a few new grounds, and having that totally different atmosphere from competitive and segregated games during the season. How much of a serious guide it gives to the season ahead is debateable though. But there have been enough flashes to give even an eternal pessimist like me some cause for optimism for the forthcoming season.

Come on you reds.

Loved The Rollercoaster

My end of season review.

Well, that went a lot better than expected. After all, we were the bookies favourites to be relegated, both Four Four Two and When Saturday Comes had us to finish bottom of the league, as did the Real EFL website, and there wasn’t much hope around. In my pre-season piece I had us to finish fourteenth. By the time we were originally due to play AFC Wimbledon, I wrote a piece for their programme on our season to date and how I expected it to end up for us. At that point I had us missing the playoffs on goal difference. But that game got postponed, and we went on an iffy run, so by the time the AFC game went ahead I had tweaked it again and had us with a top half finish. So much for anyone’s Nostradamus abilities.

It is possible the first game of the season set the tone. We beat playoff tipped Bradford City at home. Mark Hughes was toys out of pram again, and wasn’t long left for his job. By the end of September we were second in the league after a 3-0 home win against Sutton United, and for eight minutes were top on goal difference as games were played on that Saturday.

Then came a dreadful October, where we had four losses, a draw, and a postponement in the league, and slipped towards the bottom half of the table. We had been knocked out of the Carabao Cup in the first round away to Exeter City, and we went out of the FA Cup in the first week of November away to Notts County, but did manage to win our Bristol Street Motors Trophy group, and a knockout game, only to go out to Peterborough in January in a rearranged game.

We were going through a run of win a game, lose a game for the first part of 2024, and were stuck in mid table, but only ever a handful of points outside the playoff spots. More often than not we were more places outside the playoffs than we were points behind the seventh spot.

And away win in the AFC game seemed to galvanise us, and we went on a decent run, where apart from a loss to the steamroller that Doncaster Rovers had become, we were on fire. Back-to-back away wins after Easter where we scored four, first against Newport County, and then against the automatic promotion placed Mansfield Town saw us get into the playoff places.

Only for us to forget how to win. We lost at Wrexham, relegation threatened Colchester United beat us, and there were tense draws against playoff rival Barrow, and eventually relegated Sutton United. Which meant going into the final game of the season we had dropped out of the playoff places and into eighth.

Grimsby Town were the visitors on the last day of the season. We won 2-0, and Barrow were held to a draw, and we had beat the odds and the naysayers and made it to the playoffs. The day after was the end of season awards ceremony at Lingfield Park, which we were lucky enough to get a ticket for, and a positive night, looking forward to the playoffs.

The first leg against the Milton Keynes Dons went better than anyone really expected, with a comfortable 3-0 win. The away leg saw sixteen hundred fans watch an amazing 5-1 victory, recording the largest ever playoff margin of victory of any side. And with it, booking the first ever trip to Wembley for the club.

And that trip to Wembley was full of firsts, in our first ever playoff campaign, we played our first game at Wembley, won our first game at Wembley, and had our first ever VAR decision in one of our games – which went in our favour (quite rightly too), and our largest ever match crowd for any fixture, the first time in five figures.

The following day it was a promotion party at the Broadfield Stadium. A chance to celebrate the amazing feat that promotion had been. Quickly arranged the day after Wembley, there were comments about there being two thousand tickets sold for it, and there were definitely more people there than there had been for any of the Bristol Street Motors trophy games back in the autumn / winter.

The trophy for the playoff final win was on display.

And then came out all the on and off field staff. Then the players. The third one out was Liam Kelly, and they gave him the microphone to announce the rest of the players. Which was somewhat of a surprise as he had avoided saying more than two words at the awards ceremony, and is somewhat reticent in any post-match interviews. But what you need to get him going apparently is a few pre mic beers, some sunglasses, and someone else’s shirt (him and Jeremy Kelly had swapped shirts and come out in each other’s).

With that the season is a wrap. How good has that been? Check out my freshly penned poem to the season at the link below – Ode To Crawley Town FC 2023-24.

Along the way there have been other things to reflect upon. December and January saw a wonderful temporary display of Crawley Town’s history put together by Steve Leake and Mick Fox at the museum. For a relatively new fan such as myself it was a fascinating trove of information, and I hope that a permanent home for at least some of it can be found to display it at the stadium. It would be good for our fans, and for visiting supporters to see that Crawley is far more than the new town / Gatwick airport appendage that so many see us as. As a season ticket holder and a lifetime member of the museum I was happy to have donated to the cost of them putting the exhibition together.

We have made friends with other fans (more Helen’s doing really), which considering I’m an introverted misanthrope isn’t bad going for me. I recognise a lot more familiar faces nowadays, especially from going to more away games in the second half of the season. My big yellow puffer jacket is easily recognisable, and we have seen ourselves in the stands in the EFL highlights show, and on the back of the Crawley & Horley Observer a couple of times.

Speaking of the EFL highlights show, that, along with iFollow are biting the dust. Due to the new Sky Sports contract they are disappearing next season. And the new Sky contract does worry me somewhat. Obviously, there is the good part of there being more money coming into the club. But with the number of televised games at our level increasing exponentially it does mean that the nice steady 3pm Saturday afternoon and 7:45pm Tuesday night fixture pattern is going to take a beating, and often at short notice. Games will be shifted. Any day of the week will be possible, as will pretty much any time of day for Saturday (and Sunday) kick-offs. It will make trying to organise going to games difficult. No early booking of hotels or trains, just increased costs for the fans, something we already know Sky doesn’t give a shit about. (As the rearranged Stockport County game showed.)

This season has also seen our first forays into going to away games with GH travel on the fan coaches. Only the short hop journeys to AFC Wimbledon and Sutton United, as that is about the limit of what my coach induced travel sickness will allow. But they are well organised and there is a good atmosphere on them, and for short trips I’d like to think we would use them again.

Now we wait for the season ticket release for the 2024-25 season. Regardless of whether there is a price increase or not we will definitely be renewing our season tickets and having the same seats in the east marquee. Having moved up a division, the teams we are playing has taken a massive overhaul, and although we have the third most travelling to do in the division, there are a lot of places that are prime for tourism and football weekends.

It is going to seem an empty three months before the new season starts. Speaking of the east marquee, it would be good if there could be more turnstiles in the southeast corner to help reduce the congestion getting into busy games (which we have more and more of now) – especially with the additional bag checks there are now. And if I am in cloud cuckoo land thinking, put a solid back on the east marquee. Part of this is because as I keep losing weight (and get old I suppose) I get cold a lot easier now, and not having the wind whipping in through the flappy unsecured tarpaulin would be a bonus.

And if there was a genie available for wishes, then on my list, it would surprise no one to know that bringing back the programme would be at the top. Getting them at away games is one of the highlights of going to away games for me. The next thing would be the merchandise available. When we go away, we like to have a poke around in their club shop, and they have so many all kinds of everything there, and it makes our offerings seem embarrassing. I think there are missed opportunities here. The final wish is for survival at the very least.

So the title for this piece came from stretching the lyrics of Love Rollercoaster by the Ohio Players (not the cover by the Red Hot Chili Peppers). And so it brings the season of loosely based song lyric titles to an end. It’s quite the eclectic playlist that has been put together over the course. The full playlist is below.

Average White Band – Let’s Go Round Again

Reverend & The Makers – I Could Have Been The Heavyweight Champion Of The World

Style Council – Come To Milton Keynes

Paper Lace – Billy Don’t Be A Hero

Donovan – Mellow Yellow

Peter Gabriel – Digging In The Dirt

Alexei Sayle – Ullo John (Got A New Motor)

Kelis – Milkshake

Bill Haley & His Comets – See You Later Alligator

Rolling Stones – Jumping Jack Flash

James Brown – It’s A Man’s, Man’s, Man’s World

Paul McCartney – Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas Time

U2 – New Year’s Day

Sabrina Johnston – Peace In The Valley

Lionel Jeffries – P.O.S.H.

Guns ‘n’ Roses – Paradise City

Kim Wilde – The Second Time

Andrea True Connection – More, More, More

Russ Conway – Side Saddle

David Christie – Saddle Up

The Cure – A Forest

UB40 – Cherry Oh Baby

Del Shannon – Hats Off To Larry

Pet Shop Boys feat Dusty Springfield – What Have I Done To Deserve This

Camera Obscura – We Have Made It In A Man’s World

Leftfield & Lydon – Open Up

The Smiths – Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One Before

The Dubliners – Molly Malone

Weird Al Yankovic – Close But No Cigar

Jr Walker & The All Stars – What Does It Take (To Win Your Love For Me)

Teardrop Explodes – Reward

Aerosmith – I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing

Doris Day – Que Sera Sera (Whatever Will Be, Will Be)

The 5th Dimension – Up, Up, And Away

Bobbie Gentry – Ode To Billie Joe

Ohio Players – Love Rollercoaster

And of course, there is the track I’ve mentioned no end in passing this year, Modern Romance – Ay Ay Ay Ay Moosey

Which brings this piece, and this season to an end. Roll on next season.

Come on you reds.

An Ode To Crawley Town FC 2023-24

Doom and gloom was the mood before a ball was kicked

To finish dead last was our fate all the experts picked

So many players gone, so many inexperienced new faces

No one knew who was going to play in which places

But we started with a win, then another and a draw

There we were in the table, sat in the top four

On the last day of September as we played we were able

To say that for seven short minutes we were top of the table

Then October came and a slide down did begin

As for the whole of the month we were unable to win

The winter months came full of ups and downs

One win, all smiles, followed by one loss and frowns

Then as the coldest spring came we began to hit form

And wins at home and more importantly away became the norm

By the start of April it was a playoff place we were in

Only for something akin to a golfer’s yips to begin

With one game left to play we dropped from seven to eight

And so out of our own hands was our promotion fate

The last game was won, the team had done their bit

Into the playoffs we went as one of our rivals took a hit

MK Dons were the opponents, a home three nil win

Away in dreamland, five one victory, get MK in the bin

Wembley here we come for the first time in our history

That tickets sold so fast was no kind of mystery

At Wembley the nerves are with us, it’s cagey, we score

Orsi, then Kelly, and it could well have been more

The final whistle goes, we have won and been promoted

What a way to end the season, feeling so elated.

Come on you reds.

Up Up And Away To A Beautiful League One

The 5th Dimension. There were lots of red and white balloons floating around this afternoon, but none of them feel as light and floaty as I do writing this.

Here it is. Wembley. The League 2 playoff final. It is sinking in. After the incredible 5-1 away victory last Saturday night against the Milton Keynes Dons, one that made Crawley Town record breakers as we recorded the biggest ever aggregate winning margin in our 8-1 aggregate win. The seven-goal margin breaking the previous six goal margin someone racked up in a 9-3 aggregate win previously.

That someone happened to be today’s opponents, Crewe Alexandra who took Walsall to the cleaners back in 2016. They made it to the final after overcoming a 2-0 home defeat against the seemingly previously unstoppable Doncaster Rovers. They won the away leg by the same 2-0 margin, even after extra time, and it went to penalties. The Crewe keeper spotted the Doncaster keeper’s water bottle had details of which way to dive when facing Crewe player’s penalties and took the water bottle and threw it into the crowd. Crewe then won on penalties to make Wembley.

They won the toss to be the nominal home team for the playoff final and so will be playing in their red kits, which means we will be playing in white. Which someone pointed out was the colour of kits worn when securing the club’s last three promotions. Saying that, we don’t have the best record against Crewe, we lost both home and away against them in the league this year (and they did look like one of the best sides we played all season), and in total we have a poor record against them, having won only the one in thirteen attempts.

Sunday was a day to try and take in just what Crawley had accomplished on the Saturday night, with securing their first ever visit to Wembley, which we passed on the train on the way back from Milton Keynes, before tickets went on sale on the Monday morning.

Ah yes, Wembley ticket sales. Which means having to deal with those ultimate of robbing bastards, Ticketmasterbators. In releasing tickets only block by block they called caused the illusion of sold-out tickets by 9:30am, half an hour after went on sale. And for fans, desperate to be a part of Crawley’s big day, to panic buy odd tickets dotted around instead of being able to get them together. Only for more blocks to be released piecemeal. At least there was a belated service to be able to ring and change tickets to ones together or in more wanted areas.

We were waiting for level two tickets to be released, and for them to be more to the side rather than directly behind the goal. More comfortable seats and a better view for this particular old git. In the meantime, our neighbour Clare secured us Club Wembley level tickets through her friend (thank you Kelly – the seats were great) and besides Helen and I, Clare’s dad Pete and another neighbour Lynn will be heading to Wembley. The fretting went away somewhat, but better communication would have helped seeing as Helen had already bought Ticketmasterbators vouchers to get the tickets with. And better general communications from Wembley and Ticketmasterbators about how they were planning on releasing tickets would have been more helpful and less stressful for fans all round. Anyway, the club had sold twelve thousand tickets by the end of the day, a figure that had risen to over sixteen thousand by the end of Thursday.

Playoff merchandise was sorted and on sale by Tuesday afternoon to order for pickup at the club later in the week. I thought I was remarkably restrained in not ordering one of everything. Instead, just getting the Corey Addai t-shirt, the Que Sera Sera t-shirt, and a scarf for me, and the Nick Tsaroulla t-shirt for Helen. Some items sold out quickly and it intrigued me to see that all items were available in the following sizes: 9-10 years old, XS, small, medium, large, XL, 2XL, and 4XL, but none in 3XL, which for a number of years was my required size.

Friday was spent wating for the email from the club to say that my order was ready for collection. But as I was out and about, I nipped into the shop at 5pm and they sorted the order there and then, so all good.

I realised in the build up to this game that will be the first time I have been to the new Wembley stadium to watch a football game. I had been to the original Wembley to see England and Tottenham play before, but I had only been to the new ground to watch numerous NFL games.

This morning saw the mass exodus from the town by train, car, and coach, and an early Thamestink train from Crawley, a change at Farringdon to the tube, and then the Metropolitan line up to Wembley.

The platform at Crawley station was busy and once everyone got on a Crawley the train was standing room only. Only for lots more to get on at Three Bridges, and then for carrying amounts of people wearing Crawley gear all the way up to Purley. The other platform at Three Bridges was absolutely jam packed with fans waiting for the faster Thamestink train from Brighton. Our train had been a couple of minutes late due to the volumes getting on at Ifield before it got to us.

Wembley has a strict bag policy, where nothing bigger than A4 size is permitted. And then they produce a programme which is A4 in size and therefore won’t fit in any bag that you are allowed to bring to the ground, You really couldn’t make this shit up. But the programme, although expensive at a tenner, is a great programme, as it should be for a game of this stature at the home of English football.

There is the view up Wembley Way when you come out of the tube station before heading down the steps at Wembley Park, and it is a view that no one should ever tire of.

We were in the ground and seated before half eleven, which meant I was there in time to watch the Utilita Kids cup final between Walsall and Bradford City, which Walsall won. Which could be a bad omen seeing as they were in red and Bradford were in white, and Crewe being in red today and us in white. Although I’m hoping the good omen of Oxford United winning yesterday’s League One playoff final cancels that out, seeing as, like us, they scraped into the final playoff spot on the last day of the season and won their final.

Having left the house with it being a bit overcast we were pleased to see that the sun was trying to get out by the time we passed Horley, and it was clear blue skies and sunny once at Wembley.

I was hoping they put enough lotion on the head of the bald pundit down on the pitch, as the one who opted for a jacket was looking uncomfortable down there in the hot sun and kept wiping the sweat from his brow.

And filed under things I never thought I would see is this shirt.

Crewe aren’t in all red, as they’ve managed to wangle wearing white shorts without us having to change to black ones. A bit odd, but here we go. Kick off.

The first ten minutes are very cagey. No shots, no half chances, nothing in either penalty area. It takes until the fourteenth minute before the first shot arrives. Kellen Gordon cross is headed out and it comes to Liam Kelly, but his volley is over the bar.

The action is starting to warm up. We work the ball down the left wing, there are some nice one-twos along the way, and it gets into the box, and L Kelly gets a shot on target which is comfortably saved by the Crewe keeper. The first yellow of the game follows shortly afterwards as Dion Conroy is taken out in the middle of the park.

On twenty-four minutes the ball goes out for a throw and a drinks break is called. Something I didn’t see watching the League One playoff game on TV yesterday. After the restart we work it down the left again and play a ball into Klaidi Lolos, he turns back and forth to get a shot off, but it is a weak effort and straight at the keeper.

It takes thirty-six minutes for Crewe to get their first shot, one from outside the box, and Corey Addai is down well to push the ball around the post for a corner. Five minutes later there is a long clearance from Addai, it is collected and passed to L Kelly, who pings it to Danilo Orsi, who turns to find room to take a shot and buries it in the corner of the goal and Crawley lead 1-0. Absolute scenes.

And we are nearly straight back in from the restart. Going down the right Gordon gets a cross in and Jeremy Kelly has a shot deflected for a corner, and from it there is a header over the bar. There are four added minutes at the end of the half. During which Crewe get a throw near the corner flag (they were blatantly offside though), and a long throw comes in, and Addai collects well amongst bodies. We get it up field to Lolos again, and he has a shot from thirty yards out which is high and wide, and the whistle goes for half time with us leading 1-0.

We start the second half as we finished the first, on the front foot, getting an early corner. Only for there to be a kamikaze back pass from Adam Campbell which has Addai in no man’s land and the Crewe attacker one-on-one with him. The ball goes past Addai who sticks a foot out. The attacker goes to the ground and a penalty is given and Addai is shown a yellow card. But here comes our first VAR decision in a game ever, the ref goes over to the pitch side monitor and the penalty is rescinded, as is the yellow card and it is a corner instead. No, a goal kick. No, a drop ball. Not sure anyone knows what is going on at the moment. But thank you VAR. Not that there was ever any doubt that Addai was going to save the penalty.

And that is the last action for Campbell. He is subbed off, seemingly as a result of that back pass, but more likely a planned change and Ronan Darcy comes on. We get another corner; a Gordon cross is deflected behind. The corner is short to L Kelly and his cross is headed out. Gordon wins it back and charges into the box and his shot is well saved. Another cross follows, and there are some appeals for handball, but nothing given and no VAR check.

More substitutions are made, Crewe make a couple, and Gordon goes off to be replaced by Ade Adeyemo. L Kelly is hauled down and it draws another yellow card and a free kick thirty yards out on left hand side of penalty area. It comes in and is headed away as far as Adeyemo whose shot is over the bar.

Jesus wept, another kamikaze back pass sees Crewe with the ball on the byline in the box, but the cross is cleared. We break and the ball is worked across for Darcy to have a shot which is deflected over for a corner. We are having a great spell of possession, pinging it about on the edge of the Crewe box, and Darcy gets another shot off which is just over. And there is a second half drinks break as well.

We are having more pressure now. J Kelly is down the left to the byline, with a lovely piece of skill to get a cross in, but it is just too deep. Recovered by Darcy and he gets it to L Kelly whose shot is saved for a corner. It is cleared but it is won back, and Lolos can’t get space for a shot, it goes to L Kelly who can’t either, and out to J Kelly whose cross is blocked for a corner which is cleared. That is won back in midfield, and we get a free kick forty yards out which is cleared.

Crewe get a long throw near the box, and it is worked back in, but the header is easily saved by Addai. Dion Conroy steps out of defence, wonderfully cutting two Crewe players out of the game, then pings a ball of beauty through to the onrushing L Kelly in the box. He initially tries to square it for Orsi, but it is deflected back to him and with the keeper going the wrong way he slots it in, and it is 2-0. Deep breaths. Nearly there.

There are ten added minutes as the crowd is announced as being 33,341. We make a couple of more subs when the ball eventually goes out of play, with J Kelly and Lolos coming off to be replaced by Nick Tsaroulla and Jack Roles. Crewe get a couple of shots in quick succession, one is easily claimed by Addai, and the other goes over the bar. At the other end there is a late chance for Orsi to put the icing on the cake as he brilliantly leaves the defender for dead and gets his shot away, but the keeper saves.

The full-time whistle goes, and we have won. 2-0. Promoted. Can you believe what we have witnessed over the last couple of weeks.

It is party time. The players make their torturous way up to the royal box to pick up the playoff winner’s trophy, with Liam Kelly being named as man of the match, before coming back down onto the pitch for the set-up photo opportunities and ticker tape parade.

We are there a long time after the final whistle, still trying to soak up as much of the glorious atmosphere a win at Wembley and promotion can give you.

The walk back down Wembley Way is just like those floaty balloons. Walking on air. And the montage on the screen just before getting back to Wembley Park station says it all. Crawley Town certainly stepped up in the playoffs, and next season it will be a new set of teams to bamboozle and beat in League One.

The journey home is full of happy fans in crowded carriages. The parade is tomorrow night. It is not a day that will be forgotten.

Come on you reds.

Que Hurrah Hurrah, Whether By Train, Coach, Or Taxi, We’re Going To Wembley

Doris Day ladies and gentlemen, somewhat traditional for this kind of thing. All the way back to her 1956 chart topper. Not necessarily hoping it’s chips though.

The playoffs continue. After the wonderful 3-0 home win on Tuesday night it’s the second leg, away to Milton Keynes Dons.

I quite often comment to say that I’ve gone straight to home games from writing group, as that finishes at one, and a wander down to the ground gives me my chance to be there as they are opening the turnstiles. It seems most Saturday home games align with writing group sessions which is handy. When they don’t and it is an away game, then it is writing and then home to watch Soccer Saturday for score updates. But today is a first. Writing group in the morning, and then straight to an away game. With it being an evening kick-off, it gives the right amount of time to meet Helen at the train station and get up to Milton Keynes with enough time to check in and drop a bag off at the hotel, and then wander towards the ground finding somewhere to get some food. It’s just a longer wander to the game than usual.

As we travel there four days after the first leg, I’m still pinching myself at the position we find ourselves in. There is a lot of confidence amongst fans. But I’m going around with fingers crossed (which makes typing the first half of this quite difficult), and a mantra in my head of ‘stop jinxing it,’ as I see the wave of social media and forum posts talking about a Wembley visit.

If our home game hadn’t succumbed to ark training and been played on Monday, then this game would have been played Thursday night. But now it’s been rearranged, it isn’t easy to drive up to Milton Keynes. The M25 westbound is closed for the weekend as they continue to work on the A3 junction, and there are roadworks at Dartford, which is why we’ve gone for the train.

Crawley were allocated two thousand tickets for the game; the minimum MK were allowed to offer. There was a lot of moaning about only having two thousand tickets available, but that is still nine hundred more than made the short trip to Sutton a few weeks ago, and we didn’t manage to sell them all anyway, the final tally of sold tickets coming to 1,630.

It was a lovely sunny day for the trip up, a wander to the hotel. The city centre is just bizarre, ghost town, wide open spaces, lots of greenery though, and a grid formation, but it makes the Marie Celeste look claustrophobic. Then out for food in the centre of the city, Ask, which just reminds us how much we miss the one in Crawley. It’s worth ten Prezzo’s.

Their stadium is seriously impressive, a case of build a stadium for what you want to achieve. They had proper searches, sniffer dogs, bag check, pat downs on the way in. The concourse was packed with chanting fans, and the noise is immense. We see Reuben to say hello, and the Mansfield brothers once in our seats. However, for such a modern, supposed state of the art, stadium, the PA system is rubbish, couldn’t pick up a single announcement from their voice over man all game.

I get a programme, it was only three quid, and was thicker than ours on Tuesday, but is half full of adverts. But at least they had the common courtesy to include four pages on their opposition – i.e. us.

It is a repeat of Tuesday night as far as strips are concerned, all red for us, and all white (flag?) for the MK Dons. Two minutes in and there is a poor pass out from the MK keeper, it is pounced on by Jay Williams who takes it into the box and slots it in the corner and we lead 1-0 on the night and 4-0 on aggregate. Can this be happening?

MK get some attacking going, and win a corner, which is put out for another corner, and we clear it. Clever work from Harry Forster down the right, ball comes across to Adam Campbell who chips it over the defenders, but Danilo Orsi can’t get a telling finishing touch on the ball. More decent work, down the left this time, but again we can’t get the final shot away.

The MK toerag, number eighteen, stamps on Williams’ thigh after the ball has gone. The officials are like the four blind mice, and nothing is given. MK as a whole are going for the kick lumps out of Crawley approach at every opportunity. Campbell is barged over with a forearm smash to the back of the head, and again the officials see nothing wrong with it. The MK players are in the ref’s face at every opportunity, as if they’re the hard done ones. A two footed lunge straight through Klaidi Lolos just gets waved on by the ref.

We are having lots of possession. But it wouldn’t be a game without a Corey Addai heart in your mouth moment. A pass out goes straight to a MK player, but their shot is straight at Addai, and we survive. A MK shot from twenty-five yards out is saved at full stretch by Addai for a corner. MK’s number eighteen is down in the box claiming a penalty like the cheating scumbag he is.

On half an hour after some MK pressure we play the ball out well, flicked on towards Orsi, the MK defender misjudges the bounce, Orsi pulls in under control goes outside the defender and pulls a shot back across the keeper and into the corner and it is 2-0, and a 5-0 aggregate lead.

Another two footed lunge, this time through the back of Jeremy Kelly at least wins a free kick, but again there is no yellow card. FFS ref, some protection from the MK thugs would be good. Lolos is clattered in the back again and down injured, but nothing is given. A couple of minutes later, Lolos wins a tackle in midfield, but to everyone’s bemusement, the ref awards a free kick to MK and books Lolos. So, the blind twat does have his cards with then.

There is an injury to Forster, and he is subbed off to be replaced by Kellen Gordon. MK win a free kick on the left-hand edge of the area as the board goes up for five minutes of added time. The ball is swung over to the back post and an outstretched leg plays it back across for the cheating thug number eighteen to score. 2-1 on the night and 5-1 on aggregate.

It looks as if we have restored the advantage almost immediately. Lolos plays it through to Orsi, who helps it on the Jeremy Kelly, and his touch beats the keeper. We are all up celebrating the goal, but it is cleared off the line. There is another hefty challenge, this time on Will Wright and yet again it goes unpunished. After seven extra minutes the ref finally blows for half time.

The second half kicks off with Wright having been replaced by Joy Mukena after the heavy challenge at the end of the first half. Two minutes in there is a ball to Lolos, who drifts inside, and plays a perfect ball to Liam Kelly, who is in on goal with just the keeper to beat, but he squares it to Orsi for a simple tap in and it’s 3-1 on the night and now 6-1 on aggregate. This is dreamland.

The MK toerag dives in the penalty area again trying to cheat for a penalty, and a goal kick is awarded. Lolos is pulled back in midfield and appears to be smacked in the face for bad measure. A free kick is given, but still no yellow card for any MK player. Lolos is subbed off, and Campbell is at the same time, Ronan Darcy and Jack Roles come on for fresh legs.

MK get a corner and force an Addai save, but the offside flag was up anyway. There is a foul by Mukena in his own half, and somewhat unbelievably, the ref books him. They play it wide, and the cross is blocked away by Addai, and he saves the follow up shot. There is finally a booking for MK as one of their players drags Roles down thirty-five yards out. It is played into the box, but cleared, played back in from the other side, two players stretch to try and get a shot away and both fail, but the flag has gone up for offside anyway.

We make the fifth and final substitution, with Williams replaced by Nick Tsaroulla. MK attack and a cross is blasted against an arm two yards away from where it is hit, and the ref has no hesitation in giving MK a penalty. Which Addai saves, and justice is served. MK attack again, but their shot from twenty-five yards out is high and wide.

A break down the right sees a cross come in only to be collected by the MK keeper, but his ball out is won back quickly and a cross from Tsaroulla is blocked for a corner. We are having a lot of the ball and passing it around amongst ourselves all over the pitch, accompanied by a series of ‘oles.’ MK get hacked off with this and hack down Darcy. Another hack on Liam Kelly follows quickly, there is a serious lack of yellow cards for such thuggish play from MK, it is deliberate brutality.

Roles gets the ball in midfield and his shot from thirty yards sees the MK keeper make a hash of the save, but he is lucky as the deflected ball comes back off the post. Another MK lunge through the back of a player, this time Gordon, and no yellow card.

On eighty minutes we break down the right, the ball is played into Orsi, who tries twisting and turning every which way trying to get a shot away to get his hat trick, and the ball ends up with Roles, who slots it in, and it is 4-1 on the night, 7-1 on aggregate. A mass exodus is occurring in the home end now.

There is finally a second booking for the thugs after a foul on Tsaroulla. Scumbag number eighteen kicks the ball away after another foul, but somehow doesn’t pick up a booking. Is he immune or something?

Four added minutes are indicated. Thankfully, it is shown how long on the big screen, as no one can make out a word the bloke on the PA is trying to say. We move the ball down the left after more sustained possession, just playing it around and having MK chasing shadows. The ball comes to Darcy, but his shot is over.

Back down the left again, it is worked through into the box and Darcy squares it across two yards out and Orsi is there at the far post to chest the ball into the net for his hat trick, and to make the score 5-1 on the night and 8-1 on aggregate. Seriously, how fucking good is this?

From the restart MK attack and they crash a shot that comes back off the crossbar. Their number fourteen hauls Darcy down, both hand pulling the back of the shirt and throwing him to the ground, and there are ironic cheers as he finally gets booked.

The final whistle goes. We have done. Crawley Town are heading to Wembley for the first time in their history. They will be up against Crewe Alexandra, who upset the odds to come back from a first leg deficit against the steamroller that was Doncaster Rovers and beat them on penalties. I don’t know if the crowd was announced, it was impossible to tell what was being said, but the MK website had the official crowd as being 10,053 with 1,630 away fans.

It took quite some time for the elated fans to come down from their seats up in the gods and may take them some time to stop pinching themselves at what they have witnessed over the two legs. The long journey home is probably still ongoing for most fans. Meanwhile it was back to the hotel to write this, watch highlights and be generally deliriously happy, only to find the lead I have to charge the camera doesn’t work as a data transfer lead, and so the photos from the night can’t be added to this.

Roll on the bun fight for the tickets for Wembley, there should be more than enough to go around. One more win for that unexpected promotion.

Come on you reds.